For the past month I have come to the full realization that my daughter will be leaving home this summer for college and perhaps never truly return home. Her room will lay empty and my heart aches at that thought. As a mom who is always thinking of preparing, nurturing and teaching, I rarely connect with my ‘sappy’ side – except for lately.
I have become a little emotional about this reality. It is even more difficult for me, I think because as a blended family I have had only half the time with my daughter as she grew up. Yes, it was a choice I made and I am not going to go to that place which doubts or questions decisions I made many years ago, but rather try to allow God to help me sort through the emotions I am riding on.
A feeling of loss, some regret, urgency to do something more, words that need to be said and the courage to express them.
All these phrases and thoughts that have been swirling in my mind and keeping me from being present in the moment, and oh how I hate that.
Isn’t that what my job as a mom primarily is right now?
Being in the moment – not being ‘tuned-out’ with heaviness on my heart?
I can allow the guilt of what I could have done or should have done to rob me OR I can embrace what I have done and what I can experience in these finals few months while she is still here.
It is a choice and I am deciding to look forward and not backwards right now.
I am in such a weird phase of my life – I have an 18 year old graduating and moving on, a 14 year old who is not very far behind his older sister in truly ‘growing up’, a 10 year old who has several years of teaching and nurturing left and then a 16 month old foster child who I hope to have for many years to come, but God holds that in His hands.
God’s plan for me was/is certainly not what my plan was for me! But isn’t that where miracles and the unbelievable happen?
So I pray, pray for God to touch me in the way I need Him to and also for Him to show me what He has in store for me in the days to come.
So as my daughter prepares for prom, parties and pomp and circumstance I choose to grab hold of these moments with gusto. They are only here once and I certainly need to be fully present and embrace what I can – and of course, take lots of pictures!
Any advice from moms who have traveled this journey before me?
