We all grow up dreaming of a perfect relationship with our partner, especially women. We really want to have great relationships, but many of us were not modeled or taught how to have a healthy one. We choose someone who seems compatible, do really well at first, and then…..life gets in the way! We forget or don’t take the time to focus on our partners needs like we did in the beginning. Our partner does the same and before long we are both feeling empty, unloved, and dissatisfied.
It is important to learn how to focus and be intentional about meeting our partner’s needs. Today I hope to show you some ways you can do that. I have used the word “intimacy” in this column not to be confused with sex. Sex is a part of intimacy with your partner, but I am also talking about emotional and spiritual intimacy as well.
The first part of understanding how to meet our partners needs, and get our needs met, is to understand a common part of all of us. Some authors describe it as a “Love Tank” and some refer to it as an “Love Account”, like a banking account. Each of us have needs that we want our partner to meet. When our partner meets a need, they make a deposit into our love tank or account. As our partner continues to fill our tanks, we feel more full and satisfied in our relationship.
Additionally, if our partner’s behaviors hurt us, it takes away or withdraws from our tank or account. The great thing is, if we are focused and intentional about meeting our partners needs and create an abundance, when we accidentally hurt our partner (and we inevitably will), there is enough in there to not drain our partner. Additionally, if we are not regularly making deposits and we hurt our partner, they can feel even more hurt and dissatisfied in the relationship. So it is important, just like with a bank account, to focus on ways to keep your partner full.
The best way we have found to help our clients focus on their partner’s needs is by learning your partners Love Language. We adapted this from Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages”. This is a must read for any couple! I will briefly describe the 5 Love Languages.
- Acts of Service: Doing things specifically to help your partner out. This is a big one for women who have children. When a husband helps them out around the house, it says “I love you” and makes a deposit in her account. For men, if his language is Acts of Service, washing his car or getting it washed for him says, “I love you”. If your partner feels loved by acts of service, think of one thing a day you can do to show them you love them. Then add on as many as you can.
- Affirmations: This is simply using words to build up, encourage, and appreciate your spouse. Saying “Thank you”, especially when they meet one of your needs, is very important. Kind words that show them they are important to you will make a deposit in their account. In the same way that Acts of Service are big for women, Affirmations are big for men. They thrive on knowing you appreciate them and feel they are great!
- Receiving Gifts: This is literally giving something to your spouse to let them know you are thinking of them. It can be something tangible that they can hold in their hand or the gift of time or of self. A husband offering his wife a day away for herself or a workday that he will complete multiple tasks for her are great ways of offering time and yourself as a gift. Or just bringing her flowers for no reason will say that he loves her, too.
- Physical Touch: A lot of people think this means sex. Although sex can be a big part of the need for Physical Touch, it is important to distinguish what type of touch your partner wants. This can include holding hands, hugs, kisses, or just touching their leg or arm when you sit next to them. Touching feet under the table (remember when you used to flirt with them??) or putting your arm around them are important acts for someone who longs for touch. Greeting your partner with a hug or kiss is important for someone who feels loved by touch. It is also important when they go through a crisis to not only listen, but also to embrace them.
- Quality Time: This is simply spending time with your spouse and being present when you are doing so. It is hard these days to not be distracted by our phones and computers but this person longs to have your undivided attention when you’re together. It is also important to maintain eye contact with them when they are talking. This shows them you are listening and present with them.
Can you identify which one your spouse is as well as yourself? They or you may have multiple ones as well. It is also important to remember that our love languages can change over our lifetime. When my husband and I first started dating he often brought me flowers and gifts. I LOVED it! However, now that we have children, when he mops the floor for me, I feel loved. In fact, now when he does something like that, sometimes instead of thanking him I will say, “I love you, too!” and he knows exactly what I mean.
This is the first step in creating a new level of intimacy with your partner. In a few weeks, my colleagues from Imagine Hope Counseling Group will share with you more steps. Thank you for reading today.
