By Lori Byerly
From my son’s first words, “sti” (stick) and “ra” (rock), I knew I was in for some challenging communication issues. I love to play with words. I love the subtle nuances of various words and how you can put them together to communicate ideas and concepts. How was I going to live with this little person who made lots of “bbbppppttt!!!” noises and whose greatest joy was taking things apart?
In time I did learn. I had to enter his world of trucks and bugs. I listened to endless stories about battle strategies between plastic soldiers. Our house was littered with forts made of blankets and trails of Lego blocks (I don’t know of a single item that hurts more to step on than a Lego block). Along the way I’ve learned a few tools and I’d like to share them with you.
Listen
Listen. I mean really listen. Hold their words in your mind and try to follow their line of reasoning or thought. If you think you know what they are about to say (even if you have had this particular discussion before), then you’ve lost the ability to really hear them. People grow and change. Their language will change. Their understanding of different concepts will change. If you listen with the intent to hear, then you are more likely to actually understand them and you communicate that you value them and what they have to say (a lovely thing in any conversation).
Ask Questions
If they still sound a bit Martian, try asking some questions. If you can get them to restate the issue using a different set of words or from a different perspective, then you have more information to go on.
Restate in Your Own Words
If you think you understand, try restating what they’ve said in your own words. If you get it right, pat yourself on the back. If not, ask them how they would change what you have just said (one more set of words to use).
Watch the Whole Person
Facial expression, voice nuance, and overall body language can help as well. You can tell how they feel about what they are saying. Often it fills in the blanks giving you the “message behind the (poorly communicated) words.”
When You’re the Speaker
When you are trying to communicate to others, use some of the above tools. Try to communicate clearly, be open to questions, and restate your thoughts in other ways (using their words if possible). Look for confused expressions and don’t be afraid to ask them if they understand you or to state what you’ve said in their own words.
The Analogy
Another lovely tool is analogy. Take something they know well and use it to explain something they don’t understand (your thoughts and perspectives). You could use the example of a game they play, a subject that they know about or an experience they’ve had. It grabs their attention and you can get across basic concepts. For example: “You know how you feel when your little brother takes your favorite truck without asking? (pause, let them think) That’s how I feel when you take all my cookie sheets without asking.“ (My family has been known to use my cookie sheets for (often messy) projects. My husband usually asks. Thankfully they are good about returning them or replacing them.)
Use Family Fun
I encourage everyone to play word games. The more you play with words, the better you will be at using them. Play Scrabble, Apples to Apples or Hangman. Develop family words and phrases. Some of these come from silly family events (please pass the “slat” – it was a typo on a recipe card). Sometimes they come from books, TV, or movies. (“One Mippippippi, Two Mippippippi” – for you Farscape fans). The level of play you have with words builds vocabulary, speaking skills and a sense of “I can” when it comes to communication.
And in all things … Love and Laughter
Communicating is hard work. Give your family the wonderful gift of being a safe person with which to communicate. Be patient with their foundering attempts. Laugh kindly at misunderstandings and give others the benefit of the doubt. Help them reason through their thoughts and model good communication to the best of your ability.
To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others. – Tony Robbins
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