One of the most discussed topics in our counseling office (besides finances & infidelity) is sex. Most couples we counsel are dissatisfied with their sex life in some form, and it’s our job to get them back on the same page. One of the ways to do this is to first explain the major differences between men and women when it comes to sexual experiences, and exactly what sex means to males and females. Although it is not completely accurate to break this down by gender, most of the research and feedback can be divided in this manner.
Jeff & Shaunti Feldhahn are a husband & wife team who wrote two books called For Women Only, and For Men Only. The basis for both of the books are the same. They polled hundreds of men and women on various topics ranging from parenting, communication, finances, love, and sex. The results were surprising, and they summarized their findings in a practical, funny, easy-to-read way. I highly suggest reading these books! Most of the information in this article discusses the differences they found between men & women in regards to sex.
First of all, when women say they do not want to have sex, it is generally not because they find their husbands undesirable or unattractive. Women are mainly saying “no” to the act of sex, not to their husbands per say. The Feldhahn’s discovered there are 3 main reasons women generally say “no” to sex:
1. Women physically have a lower sex drive. Females have lower testosterone which is the hormone that creates the desire to initiate sex. Ever fought about who does or doesn’t initiate sex? Well, here’s part of the culprit. Testosterone is needed to help with this. Now, I’m not saying it means women don’t enjoy sex, it just means women have less urge to pursue it.
2. Women need more warm-up time for sex than men. Time to turn off their brains from the day, career, kids, dinner, baths, bedtime, preparing for the next day, etc. Females need downtime & also need anticipation time…time to look forward to sex!
3. Sex starts in a woman’s heart. A woman’s ability to respond sexually is tied to how she feels about her husband at that point in time. If she doesn’t feel anything emotionally toward her husband, then it’s as if the light switch is in the off position.
Let your husband know a few things he can do to help increase the likelihood of intimacy or sex. For example:
- Give you more emotional attention
- Give you more gestures of love throughout the day
- Listen and engage in conversations with you
- Pursue you (be romantic, flirt, woo you)
- Warm you up (send flirtatious emails early in the day)
- Help around the house (it helps you out & allows for downtime)
It is important to understand what sex and intimacy means to men, and how women can best respond to them in this area. First of all, it’s been greatly misunderstood that sex for a man is just “a physical need”. That’s as much of a misunderstanding as it is to think you can drive your car without ever making sure your engine has oil. After polling hundred’s of men, the Feldhahn’s discovered that:
- Lack of sex for a man is just as emotionally serious to him as if you were to quit communicating to him altogether.
- Love making for a man assures him you find him desirable and gives him confidence & makes him feel loved. No matter what is going on in a man’s life, if he knows his wife is willing to be intimate with him, it serves as a shot of confidence & he can go out and face anything that may come his way.
- Men want to feel wanted. For everyone, one of our basic emotional needs is to be loved and accepted, which is the need to know we are wanted and we belong. Physical touch serves this purpose for alot of men.
If women do not want to have sex, or if women are responding out of obligation, men feel rejected. As stated earlier, even though a female may be saying “no” to the act of sex (and not her man), a man will believe his woman is saying no to HIM as a man, and that his wife does not find him desirable. When and if you say “no”, let your words be reassuring, affirming and adoring. It is essential to his feeling of being loved and desired by you as his partner.
There are circumstances when having a sexual relationship would not be appropriate. If there are deeper issues, hurts or infidelity occurring in the marriage, then it is understandable that there are roadblocks to connecting with each other on a sexual level. I encourage you to seek help for these deeper rooted issues.
Lastly, just as communication is important outside the bedroom in regards to parenting, finances, personal needs & day-to-day living, it’s also important inside the bedroom. Talk to each other about your likes and dislikes, if you would like to try something new, or if something feels uncomfortable. Communication is key to a happy couple in every room of the house!
