It has been an interesting few days at our house since I picked up the book by Dr. Kevin Leman, “Have a New Kid by Friday.” Now I really truly HATE the title – I think it is rather misleading, but in any event I agree with nearly everything in it. It goes along the same lines as the Screamfree Parenting book by Hal Runkel that I use as a cornerstone in my parent coaching. Dr. Leman’s book is not some “new” kind of parenting style or technique; to me it is just the type of parenting that makes good common sense.
One of the first principles in the book that I related to had to do with this quote, “If you want your child to take you seriously, say your words once. Only once. If you say it more than once, you’re implying, “I think you’re so stupid that you’re not going to get it the first time, so let me tell you again.” Oh my GOSH! The light came on for me. How many of us parents, and moms primarily HATE repeating ourselves. I would say that the nagging, repeated requests is at the top when parents come to me for help. Even one of my own sons seems to suck the life out of me “making” me repeat myself. I cannot stand repeating myself – who does? So with this little chunk of a quote I decided to see how effective it would be, so we did a little experiment. I told my hubby about this little quote and my idea – we decided to implement this concept at our house after mentioning this quote to all the kids. So at dinner that evening, I read the quote and I had several “dumbfounded” looks staring right back at me! I explained that the statement was so true and that I didn’t think any of my kids were stupid, so why I was repeating myself over and over again……I didn’t understand. So from now on I would not be repeating myself. I would state expectations once and that was it. I would not remind (isn’t that what we moms call it, when really it might as well be, “hello stupid”) them again of the request I had made of them earlier, they were smart kids.
So, you wonder how successful it has been? Can you say “HEAVEN”? I have not repeated myself in 5 days – not once. And the best part is that as funny as it seems, everyone has managed to complete tasks WITHOUT BEING REMINDED!! Yep, everything that has needed to get done, has gotten done! For instance, the best one came just not even an hour ago and I will say my hubby was a little skeptical. One of our boys has 30 minutes of reading as part of his daily homework. In addition, Mondays is soccer practice, which takes some of his time. He also has a few after school chores to complete. My husband wanted him to get his reading done before he left for soccer, which I felt might end up backfiring. Often times when you make a “request” or as I think the child sees it a “demand” they usually fight against it, which has been our case with this particular child quite often. So I initiated my plan after chatting with my hubby. When our son got home from school and was having his snack, I explained to him that today was soccer and that he also had his reading homework to finish before bed. I told him he could did it before soccer or wait until after soccer and dinner, but it was up to him. Message given was clear and expectation was set. This is another little trick, giving a choice rather than determining it for him.
So as the story goes, he did his chores and the next thing you know my hubby points over to the sofa and there is our son reading his book. No reminding, no hovering over him to try to get him to do it, just stating it ONE TIME! I have to wonder what life would have been like for me if I had just tried this practice a few years ago. I think as moms we have this feeling that we need to remind them, like we think they forgot. Well, if we continue to keep reminding them why on earth would they try to remember anything? They know mom is right behind them coming along to nag them; they don’t have to take responsibility. I challenge you to try this a few times at your house. Don’t think it will work like magic. You do have to set up an expectation, but also set up the consequence in advance. For example, had our son chosen to do the reading after soccer, he could have risked not being done by the time our family sits down to watch our regular TV show. He knows this consequence, so he ends up being the ultimate one who has control over what happens. If he didn’t do the reading in time, then it will be his choice and his consequence that decided the end result, not me as the mom imposing it. As the mom I will have to follow through and stick to my guns, if I don’t then he will learn he cannot trust what I say (that is a whole different blog post – but I will tackle that one too!) If you think about this it is a simple concept. Why is it with parenting we often times try to make it so difficult?
I will leave you with this additional quote from Dr. Leman’s book, “Every child lives up to the expectation you have for him.” I have used a similar quote in my own parenting and coaching other parents, and this is so true! Have a high expectation for you children and they will amaze you with what they can accomplish. Just ask my hubby who walked out the door tonight to soccer and called me the “miracle worker” :-)
