By: Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC
Women are very vulnerable to depression for various reasons. We balance multiple roles, bouncing between raising children, maintaining a marriage, some of us working, and yes, long for some time for ourselves. It is quite the balancing act. We do a great job keeping all the balls up in the air. However, we don’t always do a great job of taking care of ourselves. Because of this, depression is on the rise for this age group. Here are a few stressors that trigger depression and some helpful tips to manage it.
Having Children
Having children is a trigger for depression. We all go into parenthood with our ideas of what we think it will be like. Then when we get there we realize how little we knew. I love the quote from the poet John Wilmot who said, “Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories!”. Isn’t that the truth?
Most of us experience feelings of inadequacy and second guessing ourselves. This is also a time that we may experience conflict with our spouse over child rearing. This, in addition to not having as much time as we had previously to spend with our spouse, can lead to problems in the marriage. Additionally, stay at home moms can feel isolated and alone. Working moms often feel overwhelmed and guilty for not having enough time with their children. All of this is a perfect storm for depression.
Changes in the Marriage
As mentioned previously, changes in the marriage can happen during this time period and is definitely a trigger for depression. This is usually the time period when the initial enmeshment starts wearing off. You know, the “‘isn’t he so cute?” turns into “he’s driving me crazy!”. Rita Rudner says it like this, “I love being married. It’s so great to find one person you want to annoy for the rest of your life!”.
Now we all know there is more to marriage than annoying each other, but it is inevitable that this is going to happen in a marriage. When the mortgage is due, you’re both working, the kids are needing you, and the lawn needs mowed, it’s really easy to get annoyed with each other or simply put the relationship on the back burner. Most of us were not taught how to handle conflict well. This causes couples to either avoid conflict or have unhealthy conflict. All of this can trigger depression.
Infidelity
Unfortunately, this is a time period that couples are vulnerable for infidelity. According to truthaboutdeception.com, 30-60% of married individuals will engage in infidelity. When infidelity attacks a relationship, depression is inevitable.
Divorce
Many times infidelity or just the conflict causes couples to throw in the towel and file for divorce. 50% of first marriages end in divorce. Additionally, 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages are ending in divorce according to the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology. This age group is particularly vulnerable because of all the stressors we have discussed. Divorce is definitely a trigger for depression and one that we recommend professional help to assist individuals to cope.
Other Stressors
Other stressors that I will mention but will be unable to discuss in detail at this time include: post-partum depression, infertility, miscarriage, financial stress, and job loss. All of these can trigger depression and are more common in women in their 30’s and 40’s.
Mid-Life Crisis
Lastly, I want to mention the “mid-life crisis”. Women in this age group are more likely to experience this. This happens when the woman realizes life is difficult and is maybe not what she expected. Working, raising children, and keeping a healthy marriage becomes overwhelming and sometimes impossible. This is when women become increasingly vulnerable to affairs and addictions such as spending, eating, relationships, and alcohol. The woman is already depressed, however, these unhealthy ways of coping can trigger even worse depression. Again, it is important for her to get help at this point.
How to Manage Depression
Now,I want to give you some ways to manage depression in this stage:
- Get support: Surround yourself with other moms who can relate to your feelings. Join a MOPS group or start a group of your own. Join online blogs and chats. Don’t do it alone!
- Join support groups for losses, such as miscarriages, infertility, job loss, divorce, etc.
- Focus on the positives: Keep a gratitude journal and write down five things a day for which you are grateful. Additionally, keep a journal of the positive things that happen with your kids and in your marriage. When they are old enough, it will be a wonderful gift to share with them!
- Take care of yourself! Get enough sleep, eat three meals a day, exercise, and spend time alone with God.
- Learn to say “no” to people.
- Take 15 minutes a day with your spouse to connect.
- Get professional help! I am not saying this just because I am a therapist, but it is amazing how much better depression can be managed with the help of someone who is competent in helping you with it. If you have suffered a loss of any type (divorce, infidelity, miscarriage, or the loss of “the dream”), it is important to get help.
- Sometimes if the depression is severe or if all of the above have been tried and don’t work, medication is appropriate for treating depression. Consult with a medical professional for more assistance.
As you can see, there are many stressors that trigger depression among this age group. It is so important to take care of ourselves during this time to dodge this bullet. In an airplane, they tell us to put on our oxygen mask first before assisting others. It is the same in life. We must help ourselves before we can help anyone else. Take care of you!
