From Screamfree Parenting by Hal Runkel
“When a child asks you something, answer him, for goodness’ sake. But don’t make a production of it. Children are children, but they can spot an evasion quicker than adults, and evasion simply muddles ’em.” – Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird
Kids are remarkably perceptive creatures. Even infants pick up on parental cues and follow our lead, regardless of the emotion we emit. If you have something major going on with your career, marriage, finances, health – you name it – your children are picking up on it.
Your best course of action is honesty. Pretending like nothing is wrong does nothing but send mixed signals to your kids. It makes them question their own instincts and judgments – one of the cruelest things you can do to them. When your child approaches you with a tough question – especially one involving a perception they have – be simple, be direct, and be honest. You’ll actually be doing them a tremendous favor.
Often parents struggle with the topic of being honest and what is too much information to give their children. I truly think we underestimate our kids, thinking that we can get away with NOT telling them something or including them. I learned this quickly as a single parent – because this type of honesty comes into play OFTEN! I have found that being honest with questions, yes – even the birds and bees questions is really the best approach and one I feel most comfortable with. Some would question or disagree whether I was doing the right thing by including my kids in conversations about finances, discipline decisions, health concerns and just plain stupid mistakes that I had made as a parent. But I certainly want my kids to see that life is not always “perfect” nor am I always perfect. I think one of the greatest gifts that I give my children is when I have to apologize to them for saying or doing something that I know wasn’t right. Talk about humility!
I want my kids to know that I will ALWAYS be honest with them – about anything. This type of open honesty is tricky – you cannot choose to give half-way, it is all or nothing – and your kids will see right through you and know when you are not being entirely honest. What would you rather have, kids that question whether they can trust you and take you for your word or kids that KNOW without a doubt that what comes out of your mouth is the honest truth? Do you want them to feel part of the family or just as a guest? I know what I am trying to build in my children – true honest character, and the only place they will truly learn that is at home.
The next time a situation comes up and you wonder what you should say, just try saying the truth in a way that is age appropriate for your kids and just see what develops. I would love to hear about your experiences!
