I have a story to share with you from a mom who I coached nearly 9 months ago. She sent me a message on Facebook the other day and told me her dilemma….. her son left that morning for school and ended up forgetting his soccer cleats for the big game after school. Now for some moms, this means dropping whatever you have going and running to bring your child the forgotten item in order to “save the day”. Well, this mom had been down that road many times and finally wanted her kids to be responsible for their own items. The only way to achieve this kind of result is to allow them to fail and suffer consequences. This is a hard one and not for the wishy washy mom!
I can recall when we were in the midst of our coaching her son had been forgetting his lunch. She was getting tired of bringing him his lunch so he wouldn’t “go hungry”. I asked her what she thought she was teaching her son when she would bring him his lunch? Was it teaching him to remember his lunch? Was it teaching him that he needs to become responsible? Was it teaching him that you will always be there to bring him his lunch (briefcase or wallet) even when he is 22? I asked what would be the worst thing that could happen if he didn’t get his lunch. Well, he would go about 6 hours without eating. Face it moms, our kids can go 6 hours or even longer without eating and they will not die of starvation! In fact I can tell you that a little hunger in this type of situation really brings the message home. So she decided to let her son know that she would no longer be bringing his lunch to school when he forgot it. And to even extend that, she said she would not be bringing any items to him that he had forgotten.
During the next few months she waited for the day that she would have to follow through with her “threat”. See, what happens with most parents is that they state the “threat” but then end up giving up and not following through. That is where parents end up messing up – when they state a consequence and then don’t follow through. Well….the day did come and her son left home without his lunch. By Golly – she stuck to her guns and did not bring the lunch to school. Instead it was waiting for him when he arrived home from school and boy, did he enjoy it! You have to wonder what these lessons end up teaching our children. Sometimes we get to see fairly quickly the results of some of our actions or “change of actions” as I like to say. Just like my last post “Are you treating your kids like they are Stupid?” I was able to see the result of my “change of actions” very quickly, our son changed his behavior at near miraculous speed! But sometimes you are left hanging for a long time to see if what you do as a parent really makes a difference.
Well, my mom here got her great reward and SIGN the other day. As I mentioned he had left for school without his soccer cleats, and mom knew she shouldn’t bring them to him because she had already told him she wouldn’t be bringing anything that was forgotten. She stuck to her guns and I was happy to hear how the scenario played out. I received another message letting me know that her son decided the best thing he could do to remedy the situation was to borrow cleats from a buddy. What great problem solving skills! By his mom NOT running to his rescue he was able to figure out what he could do about his situation all on his own. I love it!! Can you just see this now…..two boys sitting on the sidelines, quickly exchanging cleats so each other can play in the game? Now that is commitment and teamwork no coach could teach!
I sat reading this note and was smiling inside – this mom did the right thing and her son ended up building character along the way, and honestly these kinds of lessons are the only way that kind of character develops. You cannot “speak” it into being, kids have to learn it from consequences – plain and simple. It is an easy concept, but as any mom knows who has sat down to a yummy lunch when they know their child has no lunch that day – it is the hardest thing to do!
