This post originally ran over at Families with Purpose last November. Nagging is always a hot topic and a pattern that moms can easily fall into. Perhaps you are at a point to finally break the habit – I hope the article helps you come up with some ideas on how you can do that.
We all do it….. or at least started out our mothering journey nagging and reminding our kids, we figured it was something we had to do. I know, I did the same thing. Asking my kids if they brushed their teeth for the third time, reminding them for the fifth time to take out the trash or telling them to buckle their seatbelt. It all seems to go in one ear and out the other.
So why do we do it?
We know that it doesn’t really solve the issue we are trying to address, but we do it anyway. We get into patterns of behavior, negative patterns that seem to be endless. We have no other idea how to help the situation, so we just continue – even though it is not working. Why do we continue to do things the same way over and over again hoping that we will get a different result? I ask this question of the moms I work with a lot, and it stops them dead in their tracks!
I thought I would take a look at what we are enforcing when we nag and remind our kids like we do everyday. There are benefits of nagging, but I am not sure you will like these benefits.
You teach you child to NOT listen the first time.
Just think about this for a minute……if every morning you remind little Johnny to brush his teeth five times before he actually does it, why on earth should he listen to you the first time? As Hal Runkel states in his book, “ScreamFree Parenting” – “Think about what your relationship would be like with your child if they knew for an absolute ironclad fact that you never gave two warnings? Ever.” I love this quote, and yes, it is referring here to giving warnings, but you can consider it the same question with regard to nagging and reminding. Imagine what it would look like if your child knew that you only made a request of them ONE time. How would that change what happens in your home every morning?
Does she mean it this time?
This goes in conjunction with the previous point, if you will be telling your child multiple times to do something, then how will they know when you really mean it? If you have conditioned your child to not act until a third or fourth request, what happens when you ask them to do something that is critical for them to act on when you request, like – “Get out of the way,” or “Get out of the street,” or even “Don’t touch the burner.” All of these are ways you try to protect your child and if they are conditioned to NOT listen to you the first time, you could have a fairly serious situation on your hands.
Perfectly said by Dr. Kevin Lehman
“If you want your child to take you seriously, say your words once. Only once. If you say it more than once, you’re implying, “I think you’re so stupid that you’re not going to get it the first time, so let me tell you again.”
How true.
When we choose to repeat ourselves we are reinforcing just the complete opposite of what we are trying to develop. We all want self-directed children, but if we continually repeat and nag our children they never have the opportunity to develop habits that will take them into adulthood. When you empower your children by allowing them to complete a task with only one request you will see tremendous pride. This is where true motivation comes from – I honestly feel we undervalue what our kids can actually accomplish. We end up holding them back and keeping them from success in many areas because we don’t think they can do it.
No one likes to repeat themselves over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. You get the picture. It is a waste of your time but it certainly could be doing a lot more damage than you really had given thought to.
I challenge you to pick one area this week and choose to not engage in the nagging with your child. You could even perhaps sit him/them down and give them Dr. Lehman’s quote (As I did one afternoon) and let them know you haven’t been doing them much good always reminding and from now on you would be trying really hard to only say things once. You will need to be prepared to be consistent and really be in touch with your own emotions.
