I have felt it over the few months…..
A growing discontentment with a lot of things…..my home, my marriage, my kids, my routines, my ministry here at The Confident Mom, my retreating into isolation due to a long list of ‘things’ to do and not having time to reach out.
I am bitter, restless, feel beat down and angry. I am angry at myself for allowing me to get to this point, and even more angry that I have to admit this to others outside my close knit group. But this is one of the steps to rid sin of it’s place….
Whether you know it or not, this community is one outlet that I depend on. You are a bit of my family here…..I like to share the positive and encourage you all the best I can, I do truly believe it is a gift that The Lord has given me, but the other part of the equation is being completely and vulnerably honest and truthful when things aren’t so perfect.
This is reality and I know in my heart I have to be honest and authentic in my walk, my struggles as well as with my successes.
This gig of motherhood is hard, and it’s even harder when you are trying to be the wife and mother that God intends you to be – I feel the expectations sometimes just overwhelm me, but I know it is my given role. I also realize when my senses are truly engaged and I am tuning in, that satan loves to have my feeling inadequate and insufficient.
Last week I poured my heart out to The Lord during my morning devotional time, asking Him to help me determine what was the problem, or problems causing this anger, frustration and plain exhaustion in my role as Keeper of my Home. Being a mom lacked any enthusiasm on my part; a wife – serving my husband, even less enthusiasm, even down right disgust. Now, please do not get me wrong, I love my husband and I know we are a gift to each other – but I was not feeling like serving – in fact I was really wanting someone to serve me.
What about me? That ugly selfish thinking…..
I was losing patience with my toddler, feeling lonely and upset that often times I am alone with my little guy 3-4 days per week doing life on my own because my husband travels. Everyone has their story and every has their struggle, but for me right now, I am struggling. And it runs deep.
It was revealed to me clearly after I read a post that was written actually several years ago by Mandy over at Biblical Homemaking, it was about an experiment she had done called, “The Complaining Experiment.” The post was up on my Facebook feed on Friday and I am so thankful that I happen to be on Facebook at that time to run across it.
She spoke of many things that resonated clearly with me and struck a cord, these are direct quotes taken from her article:
“I was being deceived by the father of lies. In so many ways.”
“And it hit me- the father of lies will do anything to make me give up on being a mother
Satan wants me to stop caring. To disengage. He wants me to want to mentally quit, and not even know he was there. And he kept whispering in my heart, “you are not good at this. This is not who you are.”
And it took me a few years, but I fell for it.
And that’s why I think I believed the second thing God showed me was a lie in my life:
“I shouldn’t have to do this.”
This was at the very core of my complaining spirit.”
It was like I had words to put to my anger and frustration. I was exhausted and felt like I ‘shouldn’t have to do any of this. That was the bitterness, spread out like dirty laundry…..my feeling of entitlement.
I realized from her article and what she shared, that not only did I have a selfish heart (which had been revealed to me earlier in the week by The Lord) but I had a complaining heart. I was full of sin and it was poisoning everything I did.
I feel like I need an overhaul from a selfish spirit. I want time for me – period. And you know what, this is not my time to have time for me necessarily. I have been called to mother children and be a submissive wife to my husband. I agreed to this and even when it becomes hard, I need to grasp for Jesus’ hand and keep pushing forward. Period. Stop the complaining, seek His word and carry on.
When I lose my temper for the 10th time in a day, I need to sit down and hold my 3 year old and cry asking for forgiveness.
When I don’t feel like serving my husband because I have been ‘served out’, I need to ask for strength to serve him even more.
I need to pray this verse – hourly….
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10
After I shared Mandy’s article on my Facebook page, I received a message from another mom who had also been struck by Mandy’s post. I knew it was my time to share my feelings…..I knew I wasn’t the only one and that other’s needed to know they were not also.
I find it interesting that I felt led to share my struggle with you right now, just days before I lead you all in a book and Bible study to regain control in our homes and find peace. I realize too, that when we step out in obedience that we are prime targets for Satan’s attacks. I know that I am being attacked, because of the self-talk that I can continually say to myself all day that discourages me from believing God’s word, believing His truths and knowing that He loves me more than anyone can.
But I also know that in the midst of this all, I am still a sinner and will struggle with constantly keeping it all in check.
So, as we venture on this journey together, would you join me in praying, not only for myself and my struggle, but the other ladies who will join this study. Satan would love nothing more than to have us realize and believe his lies that we are not good enough and we will never be able to provide a calm and peaceful home that is organized for our families.
Ladies, we are going in for battle and we are going to WIN!
I also love that when we admit and ask forgiveness that The Lord blesses us – He meets us and fills our needs. As I went was writing this post, even in my struggle to share my imperfection and feelings of being unworthy and not good enough, an email came in from a mom who just finished my 5 part FREE mini series.